How do you create connection?

Loneliness and the feeling of being unwanted is the worst poverty that exists.

-Mother Teresa

Earlier this week I received an email from my faculty, that a young man in his first year of engineering had commited suicide. They also informed us that there was another student, also in engineering, who ended their life earlier in September. I did not know them but my condolences go out to their family and friends. There was of course no explanation given as to why they made this choice, but I wonder if loneliness played a role. Because I have to agree with Mother Teresa, the worst thing in life is feeling alone, unwanted, unloved. We can go through stress and all sorts of difficulty in life, but only for so long as we have someone to talk to and someone who cares and believes in us.

A close friend of mine recently shared with me this Ted Talk titled “The Simple Cure for Loneliness“. I really appreciated the message. And with the somber news at the U of A received this week, I think it is extremely important we reflect on this point and especially on what we can do to build connection into our lives. It’s not a usual thing for me to do, but right after I finished this video I felt compelled to capture the points that were made in writing. I wanted to share it with you all.

Here is a shocking statistic about loneliness: it affects 1 in every 5 Americans. This is serious to consider because loneliness has been found to lead to depression and even premature death. Studies have shown that elders who live with their kids and grandkids, or live close to them, live much longer than those who live alone in a senior home. My sister, who is a professional nurse, has told me sad stories about elders who receive very few visitors, and spend their whole day literally staring at a wall. But it is not just elders who suffer from loneliness. It affects people from all age groups.

What exactly is loneliness? In the dictionary, loneliness is defined as a “sadness because one has no friends or company.” In her Ted talk about this topic, Baya Voce explains that loneliness occurs when we’re feeling disconnected. It is a signal from our own selves that something isn’t right, that something needs to be changed. Often I think people have a basic understanding of this but, like many of our problems, we don’t know what to change or how to change.

One thing to consider is our current lifestyle and how it either feeds or starves loneliness. Today, as Baya Voce pointed out, we are more frequently living alone and we spend a lot more time online. When we are glued to a computer or to our phones, we cannot make meaningful connections. It is ironic because those tools were created to help us to communicate with others better. The technology exists to allow us to instantly send a message to someone… yet somehow in this advanced day and age we live in, 1 in 5 Americans are lonely.

Another contributing factor to the high loneliness rate is the excessive pursuit of money and material things. I believe, after reflecting on this point, that it may be a response to the disconnect we feel in our lives. We hope that getting more things will make us happy. This simply is not true. Jim Carrey echoed these words by saying that “everyone should become rich and famous, so that they can discover that those things are not the answer.” But if we all went forward deciding not to buy anything or pursue financial goals, would it really fix the problem? No. It it only action with a clear intention that can bring about the change we need.

And this is exactly what Baya Voce prescribed as the solution to loneliness. She determined that rituals were the key. As rituals are repeated action with intention. This can be proven by observing “blue zones” in the world. In some parts of Italy, California, and Japan people have been found to live the longest and happiest lives. And this is because they have made rituals in their day to day lives, that prioritize connection.

Here is my two cents on rituals. We often believe that in order to do great things we need this incredible will power. So sadly, if we don’t believe we have been born with the “gift” of strong will then how can we believe we have any chance at success or greatness? What I think is more aligned with the truth is that everyone has fluctuating degrees of will power. And this fluctuation happens on a daily basis. Don’t you exasperate sometimes over the fact that your mood and motivation changes so much in a day? Well then, let’s focus ourselves on something we can control and that is rituals.

I really liked the term Baya Voce used for these rituals, specifically the ones that build connection. She called them our “anchor of connection”. And it truly is fitting. Life sometimes hits us like a storm. We are battered by the daily stresses that center around work and school. And on top of that, we sometimes are hit with tragic circumstances, that flip our world upside down. However, in the midst of any of those events, by using an anchor we can remain above the surface. We can take the steps to use connection and our deep meaningful relationships to drive out loneliness and despair, before they have the chance to drag us into isolation and into further suffering.

A final point our speaker made was that making these rituals isn’t necessarily about creating something new to do. Rather it is about going back to the things we already do, and taking those things and repeating them again and again. Despite our mood, despite if times are good or mundane, despite if we are feeling empty or full. We all need to prioritize connection and stick with the rituals in our lives that help us create this connection with our loved ones.

The beautiful thing is that at the end we all rise together if we practice this point. If each of us lays down this anchor of connection, by the very characteristic of this anchor, those around us will also find themselves an anchor. If we continue to prioritize family and meaningful relationships with true connection through rituals then we have a bright future ahead of us where no one has to suffer from loneliness.

What is your anchor of connection?

*****

We are coming upon a very important time of year. For students, it is the stressful final exam season. For a lot of people it is Christmas that they have their eyes eagerly set upon. For everyone it is the final month of 2018 that we are about to enter. All those things are very important and relevant to me right now. However, in recent years the end and beginning of a new year has become a much more significant event for me. I really believe it is the perfect and natural time to really reflect on ourselves, our relationships, our progress in whatever we are focusing on, and to make a new determination for the year ahead.

Choosing an anchor of connection is a great step that so many of us could take to start this new year off right. If you need someone to talk to please find someone or go deeper with the relationships you already have. If you feel that you are doing just fine, consider if there are some people that you could reach out to and help them to lay down their anchor. Solving this issue of loneliness and the sad consequences that can follow it, I believe, is something that each of us can and needs to contribute to.